Why I Ghosted You

I don’t like ghosting people. I think it is a cruel and unusual punishment which just serves to leave the other party without any closure. I usually intend to never do it. I did, however, make an exception for this one guy we’re going to call Darryl (No offense or relation to Darryl of The Walking Dead).

So Darryl and I met online and have even met up in real life one time. There was no romantic intention from my side but Darryl, on the other hand was rather obvious in his intentions involving myself and some discouraged romance. Soon after I met him in real life, I decided to ghost him. Here’s why.

First of all, I had no intentions of pursuing any romantic activity so I didn’t want to lead him on. That normally would call for a conversation in which one would explain one’s feelings or lack thereof in this case. He, however, was real conservative in terms of morals and values and was the type of guy to just throw out some curse words and generally demean you for not reciprocating his passion. He kept trying to inappropriately touch me when we met and I was not a fan as I had previously explicitly said that I had no sexual or romantic intentions with him. I was simply there to make friends. I suppose that was naive of me but at that stage, my faith in men had not completely crumbled.

Secondly, and I don’t say this lightly as I am not a Social Justice Warrior or anything of the kind, but this man had some bigoted viewpoints which I just cannot condone. The man stated that the “Arabs” he went to school with were “stupid” and would frequently berate black people for “not knowing their history” (which is in itself an absurd thing to hear coming from a man who viewed Jan van Riebeeck as a “hero”?) and for generally being “dumb”. Is it just me or are these comments simply racist? Darryl also stated that “being gay is fine, just don’t flirt with [him]” and that “[he doesn’t] understand “transgenders” because they’re “boys” doing “girl” stuff like makeup and that just freaks [him] out”. I am not exaggerating any of this, the man had some questionable views. I naturally have the opposite views to him and so we just clearly did not mesh.

I am in a way avoiding conflict because I realise that arguing with someone like this will get me nowhere and both parties will just end up angry and upset. This might not be the right thing to do as I normally call out people on their BS but Darryl simply is not worth my time or energy. So Darryl, if you’re out there: this is why I ghosted you.

Please be good people.

Hobbies and Exams

I like many people, am experiencing the dreaded examination period at its fullest.

Due to the fact that this virus has pushed all of our tests online, the tests themselves will be significantly harder as they have now been adjusted to the open-book format. Open-book essentially means that you will be expected to critique more as well as just generally using your own analyses to a greater extent due to the fact that you have all of the information laid out in front of you. For this reason, such tests tend to be more difficult for me. I have been studying like a demon, lately and I will continue to do so until the exam period is over. This has unfortunately meant that I have had to put many of my hobbies aside in order to study. This is understandable and important to do but sad nonetheless.

One of these hobbies has been writing. I don’t know if you, the reader, have noticed (unless of course you are new here, in which case- welcome!) but I have not been as active on this platform as I should be. It has just gotten to that stage in which even writing a single post once a week has been challenging time-wise. I haven’t even been able to watch any of the new season of The Politician on Netflix because of my cray schedule. Now that is just plain old sad.

Considering this, however, I find writing to be really good for my mental health. No matter how much I have to study, I also have to take care of said mental health. It is for this reason that I will be writing here more frequently. Writing on my blogs is really important to me and I should make it more of a priority in my life. If I can stay active on YouTube through all of this, surely I can stay active on The Bluebird Circle as well.

Do comment your thoughts on this, I am open to hearing any advice on the matter.

Take care of yourselves.

-Birdie

Loneliness and Quarantine

I think we all miss somebody, be it friend or family.

I know personally that I miss my friends in particular. All of this brings me back to that time between high school and university when I just felt extremely lonely (I wrote a past post about that so feel free to check that out). I don’t feel lonely on nearly the same scale as I did then but yesterday it all started to hit me. I just wanted to discuss this today.

I think that I miss the small things like getting iced coffee with my friends or hanging out with them in our respective dorm rooms. I suppose that some of the loneliness comes from a lack of normalcy in life, a change in routine and custom. I have been trying to think of ways to combat this feeling and I have come up with a few solutions. The first thing may seem obvious but video call your friends, I mean actually video call them. It’s the next best thing to actually seeing them in person. Playing some of the songs that you guys commonly enjoy and that remind you of nights out or times spent hanging out could help to establish the mindset that you are still enjoying those activities and could help to bring back memories of better times. Lastly, I would recommend creating a new routine and sticking to it. This will bring back a sense of normalcy and routine to your everyday life and may help you cope with the effects of quarantine.

These have been a couple of my tips to combat loneliness during quarantine. I have a bunch of other tips so be sure to comment if you’d like me to write a sequel to this post!

Good luck.

-Birdie

Moving Back

So my study space at home got pulled out from under me.

This had its benefits, however, and it meant that I was able to move back to my student residency so that I had a calm space to study in. The plan is to go back home on weekends while staying here during the week. Being back here has been an experience.

I no longer have this massive outdoors space within which to walk and picnic. I have countered this seemingly negative situation by doing indoor exercises to keep me fit. I found this workout challenge on Pinterest (yes, I still use Pinterest, sue me) and I must say, it has been working for me so far. I also make my own small indoor picnics by putting a blanket on my floor and enjoying my space. Since I’ve been making my own food as well, I am able to eat my meals whenever I wish. This has been a major plus.

I have been working on self-improvement. I have found myself feeling rather depressed lately (depression is something I tend to struggle with a lot) and so I decided to make changes to my diet and general lifestyle. I think that actually taking the time to workout every morning has also improved my mental state. Being back here has forced me to be healthy because I don’t have as great an access to the nearest store. I count this as a pro because health is something that I need to work on and this is a great opportunity to get going on that front.

Being back at my student residency has been very calming. It is a less chaotic environment than home is. I am actually able to study well in this environment and I fee as though my marks will reflect this. I am so happy to have my study space back and to be able to act out all my weird quirks that help me to study. My work life is thriving here. Here’s to hoping that this continues.

Stay home, folks.

–Birdie

Home vs. Residency

I have been living at home for the past few months but last week I was able to go back to my res for a couple of day (res=student commune for you non-locals).

I must say, living at res certainly beats living at home. It is calmer there, I am able to prepare my own food at whatever time I like and I have my own workspace. The only thing I would miss from being home is the massive garden within which I can take study breaks. The only issue is that I am not allowed to move back into res on account of my parent’s rules. Yes, I am 19 and yes, I still listen to my parents. We all have our cross to bear. The situation only grows more dire as soon the one appropriate study space within which I can get some privacy is going to be taken away from me. This is because we live at a school and the students are coming back next week Monday. Since I am not allowed to go back to my res, I shall have to study in a noisier, more chaotic environment. If there is any update to me finding a new study space, I will be sure to tell you.

I guess I just feel stuck in a chaotic environment. Things are always changing here. Not to mention that as soon as lockdown regulations allow us, we will be moving into a new place to live. There is just something about this entire situation that doesn’t sit well with me, I guess. I stated in a previous blog that I am going to practice gratitude while staying at home and I will/do, it just gets a little hard when everything is swept out from under you. I just have to endure this life until lockdown ends but I can assure you that it’s a struggle. I realise, once again, that this is a “first-world problem” but does it being this do anything to make me feel better about it? That’s a solid no. Nevertheless, I shall persist and try to make the best out of the situation at hand. Let’s just hope that this works out for me.

Keep staying alive.

-Birdie

The Perks of Online Learning

We are going to be stuck in this cycle of online learning for a while, so we might as well find the good in it.

Online learning has its challenges and we hear about these challenges every day through social media. There are major challenges such as access to resources or lack thereof and concentration issues. I feel as though there are some perks to online schooling, however, and so I wish to share with you the perks that I have discovered during the past two weeks of online learning.

The first is that I can increase the playback speed of my online pre-recorded video lectures. I have this one English lecturer who “um”s and “ah”s her way through lectures at a painfully slow rate. In this case I like to slightly increase the speed of my lectures, not so much that she sounds like a chipmunk but just fast enough that the lecture is less painful. I can’t do this in physical lectures so it is a blessing to have figured this out. The second perk is that I can make my own schedule. Sure, some lectures are live and so I have to attend them in the allocated time slots but some are pre-recorded and pre-uploaded so I can access the content at any time I wish. This is especially useful when I have class clashes. I can do the one class in the allocated time slot and the other class beforehand. I also don’t have to travel to classes on different sides of campus because I can access them all just sitting at my desk. I also don’t have to walk to school (although I do miss those walks tbh), cutting my travel time down to zero. I can eat during class which is a blessing during classes that take place around lunch and breakfast time. I can have a full meal just sitting at my desk in front of my classes. The final perk I have noticed is that I can do things like playing my ukulele or baking in between classes as a break. I wouldn’t have been able to do this while on campus so it makes a nice change.

These are the perks that I have noticed during my short time being at online university. I am not otherwise able to enact these perks on my physical campus so it makes for a nice change of scenery/pace. Feel free to comment any perks of your own in the comment section!

Stay groovy.

-Birdie

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Electricity

The electricity went out today. The worst part is that I think it taught me something .

Our electricity went out because someone was trying to steal our cable. Typical. I joke but it was seriously frustrating. I had work to do online and I was unable to do it. Thankfully none of that work was due the next day but it was stressful nonetheless. I therefore did whatever work I could without internet and planned to do whatever was left the next day. Today was interesting in the sense that I was forced to entertain myself with things that could be done without electricity. I made a salad for lunch because our oven and stove are useless without electricity. I also went outside to pick flowers for my mother because not only was there no electricity but it was Mother’s Day. It proved to be a nice activity because it meant that I could just fuck around outside for a while and I found that quite therapeutic.

I am also typing this entire blog post on my phone. My computer died and so here I am. I look like I’m avidly texting people but really, I’m not that social. I also painted over the unsightly logo of a notebook with some Sakura flowers. I haven’t had a lot of time to paint this past week and so it was a welcome change of pace. I really just had a lot of time today to do the things that I normally wouldn’t have had time for during the work week. Today was a lazy sort of day but I don’t feel unproductive. I actually spoilt myself today and got a lot of self-care activities done. Productivity is relative and I consider self-care to be an extremely productive process.

Take care of yourselves.

–Birdie

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So Little To Do, So Much Time

I have found that I have way too few deadlines in order to take up this much time.

I know I sound crazy, wishing that my university work was fuller and that I had less time. I can’t help it that I am just trying to curve boredom during these long days. I have decided to review and make notes on old work in order to keep myself busy. It is so weird, weeing people on the opposite end of the spectrum who feel as though too much work is being doled out. I just can’t relate to them at all. I thought that this feeling would only last the weekend but now that the work week has begun, I just can’t shake the feeling of impending boredom.

I wonder though if boredom is so bad. I find myself so much in fear of boredom that I never allow myself to experience it. Boredom is not the end of the world so why do I feel this way? I guess that for me, I feel this way because being bored might mean being unproductive. A lack of productivity is a fear of mine and one that I wish to avoid at all costs. This is just another example of the toxicity of productivity culture. The worst part being that I contribute to that same productivity culture through the encouragement of productivity in my various studying-related posts. My fear of boredom stems from a fear of not being productive, that much is apparent.

So what can I do to counter-act this? I think that allowing myself to be bored will help me to better accept it and to change my mindset about productivity. Productivity shouldn’t always be reliant on work-related activities to exist. I think it’s high time that myself and everybody else comes to a realisation about this.

Have a good one.

-Birdie

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My Study Space

My study space is the one thing keeping me sane during this crazy time.

My study space is the one place where I get to be alone. It lies in a room just outside the main home area. I have two aesthetically-pleasing watercolour paintings up against the wall in front of my desk to inspire me. I reckon that they do a pretty good job at that. The wall in front of my desk is full of pink and purple sticky notes carrying information from my readings and my Macbeth notes so that I have them right in front of me when attending class and writing tests. I have my space case and highlighters on one side of my desk and my water bottle, peach-shaped squishy and weekly planner on the other side. My desk is parallel to a window so at around 2 PM, the sun likes to shine on my desk, creating a warm environment. I keep a blanket on the chair of my desk and I always have my K-pop or Lo-Fi Hip-Hop playing.

Overall, this is a good place to study. It’s all very aesthetically-pleasing and I have really made the space my own. Of course it’s not as great as my usual space because I spent a year cultivating that space but for the time being, this space isn’t too bad. There’s just something about the sun filtering through onto my work that just puts me in a good mood. I just wanted to share what my study space was like in the hopes that it sparks the imagination of others. I love hearing about the study spaces of others so why not share my own? This is a good place to study and get down to work. It is the only place where I can be myself.

Enjoy your day!

-Birdie

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Lockdown Birthdays

A couple of weeks ago it was my sister’s birthday, tomorrow is my mum’s birthday.

I’ve been preparing for my mum’s birthday for a week now and while doing this and preparing previously for my sister’s lockdown birthday, I have observed a few things. The sad but funny part about this whole thing is that there are only three stores to choose from in terms of birthday shopping. And all three of those are grocery stores. You are rather limited in terms of what you can get someone. In this scenario, the term “It’s the thought that counts” becomes extremely important because the problem is that it’s hard to show individuality and heart when the only things you can get are a chocolate and some shower gel. There is no solution to this except for the hope that the receiver of these gifts are understanding of the compassion and appreciation you’re trying to convey through them.

This makes me think, however, that all gifts should be received with that mindset. To only appreciate a gift through the gift itself seems materialistic and ungrateful. It’s time we all revert back to our childhood selves who were told to be grateful for any gift you receive regardless of whether you like it or not (assuming you were told that as a child). I have been practicing this for years so I can only hope that this lockdown has urged others to do the same.

Another funny but sad scenario is that there are only so many activities that you can do indoors for someone’s birthday. I try to combat boredom on birthdays through watching movies and doing birthday-related crafts with the person of which the birthday belongs to. My only regret is that I can’t take them to a nice restaurant or to the theatre. The is a reality, however, and I hope that by making the birthday in question as special as possible while staying at home, they will appreciate it and still enjoy their day. All I can do is try.

May quarantine look upon you kindly.

-Birdie

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